Never Fuck With The Cook & His Assistant!!!

When I was a teenager, I went down to Socorro, New Mexico to spend some time with my cousin John (John-o). On Saturday morning, we got up, with massive hangovers (as usual) and started making breakfast. John's little brother, James, was sitting on the couch being his incredibly obnoxious self, screwing with us to no end. I got tired of it and went over to John, who was just finishing up the breakfast sausages. I took one of the sausages, got a paring knife and proceeded to hollow it out. I then went to the cat box, got a nice fresh turd and stuffed it into the hot sausage. When I was done, I plugged the end with some of the meat I'd taken out, put it on James's plate, along with a nice pile of eggs and hash browns.

It took James a couple minutes to take a bite of the special sausage. Up until that glorious moment, John and I kept our noses in our dishes so he couldn't see us laughing. James was continuing to antagonize us and obviously thoroughly enjoying being a pain in our ass. Just before the "big bite", we watched James cut a slice off the sausage that just nicked the feline poop and eat it. There was only a smear on this bite but it was enough for James to say "something smells like shit". Then it happened, he speared the entire sausage with his fork. While raising it to his mouth, we could see the warm fecal material squeezing out of the end of the sausage like cheese from a burrito. It only took one good chew for James to realize something was terribly wrong. I'm sure it was a combination of foreign taste, horrific odor traveling from his mouth to his nasal cavity, the crunch of cat litter and John and I on the floor howling with laughter. I'll never forget the confused and horrified look on James face as he looked at us with a grimacing smile that showed what could have been mistaken as "chocolate pudding" in between his teeth and on the corners of his mouth. Needless to say... James never fucked with me again.

Here we go, hold on!

I'VE HAD AN INTENSE LIFE... NO REALLY... IT'S BEEN FUCKING INSANE!! 

I was bounced from home to home as a child. My parents came and went, depending on the circumstances in their lives at the time. 

I was drinking by the age of 9, coke by 14, crack by 17. I've ingested almost every mind altering substance available and frequented the most incomprehensible and demoralizing places imaginable.

I attended 7 different schools by the time I'd graduated high school. 

I watched my father and pregnant step-mother killed in a balloon accident. I I held both my great-grandmothers when they died and I was with and holding both my grandmothers when they passed on. To date, I've lost 8 friends from my youth. 4 of them from drug and alcohol related deaths.

I served in the NAVY, worked on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier. I participated in all things one would imagine a sailor would in the 80's throughout numerous countries.

I've created and produced Emmy winning television shows, had numerous companies.  Some successful, more not.  I've made millions and I've lost millions. 

I've raised two beautiful little girls, one of which has cerebral palsy. I've dedicated my life to them without a second thought.

I've made unimaginable mistakes, ripped through peoples lives like a tornado. I've stopped my life to help people in need and given my last penny to help another.

I've battled anxiety and depression my entire life and only recently became truly willing and able to take the massive steps towards peace.

This blog will be a journey through my past, present and future.  In a way, it will be a way for me to purge events, free memories, humble myself and move on with my life.  I'll have the regular comedic and political breaks to remind myself and friends who I am now.

I'm going to be brutally honest, so if you're a judgmental person, this isn't the place for you.

Welcome to the life of Brainard.

Me Crossing A Street In Hanoi, Vietnam in October 2007

This takes a bit of courage the first 221 times....