Our Day In Hell Part 1

India was born 1998 in New Mexico. She was born a healthy little girl, all her fingers and toes. India had lots of hair and beautiful eyes. She took almost 24 hours to come into this world and when she did, she was greeted with lots of love.

I never expected to have children so this was a very remarkable day for me. I was married and had a child; I was a new person. 

The day we took her home was beautiful, warm, with no clouds in the sky. We were nervous and overly cautious as we put our precious baby girl into the car, double-checked everything, and then checked again. I noticed some nurses watching us with big smiles on their faces. I’m sure that this scene was played out daily as new parents prepared for the first journey home with their new addition.

Home was different with India there; it was brighter. We had a steady stream of visitors who wanted to meet this new little person. This was a nice time that brought people together, not to mention the truckloads of good food that were delivered to us.

After a few days, I went back to work.  I was ready and very eager.  I worked for a commercial real estate firm; I was newly in the business and doing my best to absorb everything.  

During the 3^rd week India was home, my wife came to me with concerns about our daughter’s temperature.  She told me it was just a little high but she wanted to check with the doctor to be safe.  I wasn’t worried at all, India’s temperature was only a couple degrees above normal, and she was happy, alert, and active.  I also wasn’t very concerned because my wife was a hypochondriac as well as   an obsessive diagnoser of medical conditions.  I’d gotten used to her doing this all the time so I’d learned to ignore and even laugh at it.

When Veruca got off the phone with the doctor, she said that he’d instructed to take India to the hospital emergency room.  Not because it was an emergency but because it was a weekend—no doctors’ offices were open and the emergency room was the only place we could go.  I knew that the doctor also was telling us to bring India to the hospital instead of telling us to bring her to see him Monday morning because of liability issues.  If he told us to wait until Monday and something did go wrong, he was afraid he’d be sued.  

I questioned the logic of taking India to a hospital emergency room for such a minor reason but my wife insisted.  We loaded up the car and headed to the hospital, the same hospital where India had just been born.  Little did we know that we were about to endure the most gut- wrenchingly painful time of our life.  Nothing would ever be the same after this day.

When we got to the hospital a doctor started examining my baby girl.  She did what seemed to be normal and routine checks.  The mood was light and I was sure we’d be sent home shortly–until the doctor said she was going to perform a spinal tap on India to test the fluids for any sort of infection.  I remember asking why we needed to do such an invasive procedure; my little girl only had a very mild fever.  The doctor told me it wasn’t invasive and would only take a minute or two, it was standard procedure, and we’d be on our way before we knew it.

The doctor and a nurse prepped my baby for the spinal tap.  It was a very intense sight, my tiny girl, only three weeks old, sitting on a table, slightly hunched over with blue surgical cloth on her back for the exception of the area the needle was to be inserted into her spine.  Happily making beautiful baby sounds, she had no idea what was about to happen.  I was already having a rough time, just knowing that my little girl was about to be in very serious pain.  I was also terribly torn between the instinct to respect a doctor who was supposedly a professional and my instinct that this procedure was completely unnecessary. 

The procedure was heartbreaking.  India immediately winced in pain and began to whimper.  Her whimper rolled into sobbing, then screaming.  She’d never made that noise before and every atom in my body was hurting with her.  But it didn’t stop.  This procedure that was supposed to take just a minute kept dragging on and on.  I could see and hear the nurse starting to look concerned.  The doctor said, “No, I’ve never done this on an infant before.”  I was stunned and I could see and feel the nurse tense up.  India was trembling, screaming, bleeding gruesomely as the doctor started on her fourth attempt to puncture my daughters’ spine.  I told the doctor and nurse to stop but the nurse spun around and told me to leave the room. 

My mother-in-law took me outside into the hallway with my wife.  I was frantic and had no idea what to do.  It was a horrifically helpless feeling that I’d not wish on anybody.  A few minutes later, the nurse and doctor came out and said they were done.  The doctor didn’t look me in the eye and she couldn’t get away from us fast enough.  The nurse had India in an infant cradle. her small, pale face was swollen. 

After the doctor and nurses cleaned up the blood and the tools used for the procedure, they sat us down to tell us that they felt it was in our daughter’s best interest to stay in the hospital for the night so that they could monitor her.  By now I was furious with myself.  I hadn’t had the guts to tell Veruca “no” when she wanted to go to the hospital for such a minor thing.   I hadn’t had the balls to tell Veruca to put her mania for diagnosis in check and I’d hadn’t had the sense to tell the doctor “no” to the procedure.  I’d never been in this position before and I didn’t know better.  I’ll forever blame myself for my failures and the consequences thereof to my baby girl. It was this terribly blotched and unnecessary procedure that crippled my child.

They put us in a standard hospital room.  They said that they’d come in every couple of hours to check on India.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted,, and I fell asleep immediately on a small cot .  It like only minutes later that Veruca woke me up.  She thought India was having a seizure.  I was sick of Veruca and the position she’d put us in.  I told her not to worry and that I’m sure India was fine.  Just a minute later, Veruca said in a higher pitched voice, “It’s happening again!”  I jumped up and saw  that my baby’s arm was erratically and she wouldn’t wake up.

We buzzed for the nurses over and over.  They kept saying they’d be right in but no one came.  I finally ran down the hall and yelled at the nurses—who were sitting at their station talking—to get their fucking asses into my room. They sprinted down the hall to find Veruca crying and India having a major seizure with her vitals crashing.  

All hell broke loose. A code was called and a team rushed in with a crash cart.  India was spiraling down.  The nurses grabbed a gurney, put India on it, told us to follow them, and ran full stride towards the elevator. A doctor joined our group and started checking India’s vitals. In the elevator it was chaos.  The ride up to the pediatric intensive care unit was terrifying.  Everyone was so frantic doing this and that but no one noticed when India stopped breathing.  I said, “She’s not breathing.” Nobody listened to me.  I said a second time, louder, “My baby’s not breathing!”  The doctor looked, saw that India wasn’t breathing, and started shouting orders to everybody.  The nurse was trying to administer the anti seizure medicine so the doctor turned to me and told me to start pumping air into her lungs with a hand held CPR device. I was in shock. 

I was looking down at my little girl, who just a few hours before was smiling at me and making the most beautiful noises.  Now, she wasn’t breathing and I could hear the nurse say that she could barely get a pulse.  I was in an elevator helping to keep her alive and it couldn’t have felt more like a terrible dream.

When the elevator doors opened to the pediatric intensive care unit, we were met by a pack of nurses.  I found myself following them as they pushed my baby into a room and begin frantically working on her.  I don’t remember how long they worked to revive India but it was quite a while.  When India was stabilized and the doctors and nurses left, I sat down next to my daughter.  I held her little hand; I gently touched her cheeks and then tried to make sense of everything that had happened.  I cried a deeply, until I couldn't cry anymore.

As the sun was rising, India’s vitals were good and none of the rhythmic seizing movement in her arms was happening. I can clearly remember taking a deep breath and feeling like the nightmare was over; it was a new day.  I felt so fortunate to have my baby with me; she was alive.  The nurse came in to explain what had happened and what they were going to do.   I barely understood most of what she was saying—I was traumatized, exhausted, and had never heard most of the medical terminology she was using. 

The nurse left and I sat down and absorbed what I’d just heard.  I did understand the nurse to have said that India’s seizures were under control and everything should be fine now.  My head was in my hands and I felt like my body was going to fail me from exhaustion.  I looked up to see how Veruca was doing but what I saw paralyzed me.  India had one arm perfectly straight and off to the side, the other was curled up, her head was turned to the side, and her eyes were open and staring off into space.  The rhythmic movement was back and much worse than before. Once again she was seizing terribly.

Juicy Lucy's Message to My Girls

Dooky Duty!

My grandfather always had Labrador Retrievers.  Some thought that he appreciated them more than his family and if he could get away with it, he’d make love to them.  They were always large, good tempered and their favorite pastime was bird hunting.

For the amount of love my grandfather had for these animals, he fed them surprisingly bad food.  It was always the absolute cheapest bulk crap he could find.  He’d sometimes mix in some table scraps to change up the flavor but for the most part, the poor old things were doomed to a lifetime of substandard sustenance.

There was an interesting side effect to the food these dogs ate; tumultuous colons.  These Labrador Retrievers were unbelievable gas factories, they farted unlike any dog I’ve ever seen or smelled to this day.  They would fart so loud and hard that you could literally see their anus lips slapping together and if you know a big lab, you know how big those poopers are.   The smell was shocking and not like normal dog gas, this was rotting corpse meets Tijuana hooker breath.  I’m convinced that whatever was mixed into their food had something that would expand in their bellies to give them the sense of being full.  It would also cause the poor animals to crap all the time.  I’m sure that you’ve already come to the obvious conclusion that their turds were massive.

When I was 8 years old, my grandfather decided it was time for me to have an allowance.  He let me know that I’d have to work a few hours for it each week, doing jobs around the house to earn my weekly money.  He decided that the main job for my pocket money would be to mow the grass and pick up the dog shit in the backyard.  It had never been actually picked up before, it was gross and my grandmother had had enough of it.

So my chores began, I had no problem doing them and to be honest, I was pretty damn excited.  I’d mowed the lawn before and enjoyed it.  I figured I could kill 2 birds with one stone and just mow the piles of dog poop along with the grass.  My first day of chores was interesting.  I started mowing the overgrown back yard grass that was riddled with fecal stalagmites.   It was pretty fun to run over the big piles of doo.  You see, my grandfather was too cheap to buy a mower with a catcher so the grass, twigs and shit would just fly out of the side of the mower.  The larger and fresher the turd, the cooler the sound it would make.  The only downside was that when I hit a large pile, it would vaporize it and the moist cloud would usually hit me in the face; I could taste it.  I was proud of my streamlining the process by mowing the crap but my grandparents thought differently.

I was told the following week to pick up the turds before I mowed the grass.  This was a serious bummer because it was now going to take much longer to earn my allowance.  Being the creative young man that I was, I came up with a solution; doo-doo catapult!  I figured that if I could come up with a device that would allow me to fling the turds out of sight, it would be a win-win for everybody!  Now to just figure out what the hell to make the catapult out of.  As I stood in the kitchen cooking my eggs trying to construct the tool I needed in my head, I looked down at my hand and realized that I was holding the perfect tool; grandmothers spatula! 

Things were great for the next 3 months of summer.  The grass was cut, clean and smelled nice.  My grandparents were happy because their backyard looked wonderful and I was getting a nice little allowance.  As an unexpected bonus, I was thoroughly enjoying my work.  I found that it was really fun to fling the heavy piles of wet smelly dog poop high up into the air, over the neighbor’s yard and onto their roof.  The higher I’d fling them, the greater the splat they’d make upon impact.  I was a hell of a shot too, I never once hit a wall, window or yard; pure roof baby!  Our neighbors were almost never home when I was blitzkrieging their roof with poo.  It was a good thing because they’d definitely would have heard the loud thumps.  I also made sure that my grandparents weren’t home when I did my chores; I didn’t want my “special tool” to be found out and taken away.  Plus I knew that my grandmother wouldn’t be very happy if she knew that the spatula that she used almost every day to flip eggs was also being used to scoop and fling turds.

Now our next door neighbors, the ones whose roof I was stockpiling doo-doo on, were serious assholes.  They were wiry folks who were always frowning, scolding their children and complaining about everybody else’s yards and children.  They kept everything absolutely perfect on and around their house and expected, even sometimes demanded that everybody else do the same.  There had been more than one unpleasant run-in between neighbors and this family; they were miserable people.

Towards the end of summer, I had been putting off my dog-poo duties for a couple weeks.  You see, summer was coming to an end and as much fun as professional dog poop flinging is, it’s not more fun than swimming and running amok with other kids around the neighborhood.  This is especially true when you know that summer is ending and school is just about to begin.  My grandparents had been patient with me knowing my final days of summer predicament but just couldn’t stand my putting of the pooper picker upper duties any longer.  I was given until the end of the day to take care of my backyard responsibilities.  After much whining, arguing and failed attempts to persuade my grandparents to let me do it later, I gave up and headed outside to do my duty and pick up the poodie.

I didn’t really care that day if my grandparents caught me using the cooking spatula as my personal poop mortar.  It never even crossed my mind that they’d give a damn about my using the unpleasant neighbor’s roof as a destination for our dogs’ excrement.  Frankly, I didn’t give a shit about anything at that moment, I had to do something that I didn’t want to that was taking away from playing; I was pissed.  I marched through the kitchen, snapped up my grandmothers’ spatula and stormed out the back door. 

I was determined to take care of the dog shit and lawn in record time so I could get back to my friends who were at that very moment waiting in the front yard for me.  I started running from dog shit to dog shit, scooping and flinging towards the neighbors roof.  I was scooping and flinging turds as fast as my grandmother scooped and flipped pancakes that very morning with the same spatula!  As you can probably guess, I wasn’t worried about accuracy at this point, it was the furthest thing from my mind.  I was concentrating on quantity and speed.  I’m sure you’ve also probably guessed that when the neighbors got home and found dog shit in their perfectly manicured lawn and wall of their house, that I got in huge trouble.  You would be wrong in this assumption.  Not that I didn’t get in trouble but how I was discovered.

I have to back up about 20 minutes earlier to clearly paint the picture of what happened and the incredibly serious trouble I caused.  I had ridden up to my house with a pack of kids on our bikes; not realizing my grandparents were waiting to ambush me and make me work.  As me and the large gang of boys arrived at the house, I noticed cars absolutely everywhere and figured somebody was having a party.  What I didn’t realize was that it was the mean neighbors who were having a massive party for their co-workers who were all bankers.

Now please remember, I was mad, deep in thought about how I’d never make my children clean poop when I grew up and furiously running from pile to pile, flinging with all my might, over my shoulder, towards the neighbors house; I was oblivious to the outside world.

About the time I’d chucked the 15^th or 20^th turd, I can remember seeing my grandfather come running out the back door waving his arms in the air, face bright red and screaming something at me.  I then remember my realizing that there was a lot more screaming and yelling, other than my grandfathers.  There I stood, spatula in hand, massive fresh dog shit on spatula, grandfather racing towards me and the full realization of what it’d just done.

I immediately felt like I was going to soil my pants, my chest grew tight and I began to tremble.  It only got worse when I could see the guests, bankers in suits, their wives in nice summer dresses, still running for cover.  My grandfather stood there yelling “Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell were you thinking!”  My grandmother walking up to me but only looking at the spatula and said in a feeble voice “how long have you been using my spatula?”

Almost at the same time, both my grandfather and I turned to look at the neighbor’s house.  It was a mess, there was shit everywhere; and it got worse.  The K9 shrapnel had not been kind to the partygoers.  I’d succeeded to hitting a number of people, including innocent women and children, with poop.  The food for the party had not been spared either; it was tainted with stinky doo-doo morsels.  The party was officially over.

I don’t know what my grandfather told the people next door that evening but he was in a heated negotiation for a very long time.  As they stood in their back yard, neighbors’ arms flailing, fingers pointing in every which way, retelling the horror of the carpet bombing they’d just experienced and presumably pointing in the direction of each turd and turd nugget strewn throughout their property; I began to feel sick.  I was sure that I was going to be hauled off to jail or grounded for life.  Just as I thought I was going to throw up, there was a lull in the discussions between my grandfather and neighbors.  My grandfather turned to me but to my surprise, his face was not red with anger but was a stern look indeed.  As I looked into his eyes in anticipation, he gave me the slightest of smiles and winked.  He then turned back to the wiry neighbor and recommenced the heated dialogue.

I was not punished harshly, almost not at all.  I was however given a very long and stern talk to by my grandmother about using her kitchen cookware as turd picker uppers.  But even towards the end of that conversation, both of us giggled each time she used the poop word.  My grandparents weren’t angry, especially because my grandfather thought the neighbors were assholes and got what they deserved.

My Insane Family - The Swedish Delight

Before I was born, my family lived on 13^th Street in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  This is a great neighborhood; dozens of families with lots of children.  One of our families’ closest friends, the Striblings, lived directly across the street.  Both families had a herd of children and all these children had a serious propensity towards shenanigans’. 

Mr. Stribling was an incredible man.  I remember him well and always enjoyed my time with him.  Mr. Stribling was a gentle, well mannered, kind man. He had an incredible reputation and was well loved throughout the community. 

One day my mother decided to play a prank on Mr. Stribling.  She was 9 years old at the time.  She waited until my grandparents were out of the house to begin the preparation of what would forever be known as the “Swedish Delight”. 

My grandfather always had the family, all 6 of them, scrape their plates into a large metal bowl after every meal.  At some point, this smorgasbord of food would become a treat for my grandfathers’ beloved Labrador Retrievers but never before the bowl was full which took several days.  My mother took the contents of the bowl, which were already ripe and began her preparations.  She worked the awful pile of leftovers until they were soggy enough to place into an old food mold of my grandmothers.  When my mother’s delicacy was finished forming in the antique mold, she carefully popped it out onto a gold leaf china serving dish. 

Now you need to know that about that time, my mother’s grandmother Dora Wilson, had been traveling throughout Europe.  This included a visit to Sweden which Mr. Stribling knew about.  He also knew that Dora Wilson had just returned home from her travels.

Mom waited for Mr. Stribling to get home from work.  Shortly after he arrived home, she ran across the street to give him the carefully prepared European cuisine.  Mr. Stribling was sitting in his living room relaxing when my mother walked in.  She went straight up to him, handed over the gift and said “my grandmother asked me to give this to you; it’s from her travels in Europe”.   Mr. Stribling asked, “What is it?”  My mother quickly replied “it’s called ‘Swedish Delight’”.  Mr. Stribling graciously thanked my mom and told her to thank Dora for thinking of him.  My mother .promised to convey his message and left.

When my mother left the room, she didn’t leave the house, instead she sprinted around the corner into Mr. and Mrs. Striblings bedroom, slowly opened the door, which led into the living room where Mr. Stribling was sitting, lay on the floor and proceeded to watch the grand feast take place.

Mr. Stribling picked up the fork that my mother delivered with the meal and began to eat the greasy, days’ old pile of horribleness.  After a few bites, Mrs. Stribling walked into the room.  She is equally as wonderful a person as Mr. Stribling but that day, much wiser and alert.  When she saw what he was eating, she loudly exclaimed “Tom Stribling, what are you eating!”  Mr. Stribling replied, “Why I’m eating this Swedish Delight that Dora Wilson brought to me from Europe”.  Mrs. Stribling then shouted “Tom, those are dog scraps from the Wilson’s kitchen!  Mr. Stribling froze in mid bite and slowly looked up at Mrs. Stribling who was standing over him; he had been had and he knew it

My mother lay in the doorway, with her hands cupped over her mouth, trembling with laughter.  She almost gave herself away but luckily was able to suppress her laughter and slip out the back door.

This was only the beginning of my mother’s alternative culinary career; there was much more to come.

Tres Mojados a Wagon Burner and a Gringo - The St. Mary's Days

Tres Mojados, a Wagon Burner and a Gringo

I began to attend St. Mary’s school in 1974.  It was an “old school” Catholic institution.  St. Mary’s is located in downtown Albuquerque; within walking distance of my home.  It was a typical Catholic institution that you’d see in the 70’s.  We all were required to wear the cheap blue, short sleeved uniform.  There were angry old nuns milling about, wearing their required nun-gear.  There was the occasional priest who’d usually have grey hair and weathered face but generally much easier on the eyes than his female counterparts.  The classrooms all were complete with wooden desks; each seemed to have nasty words carved in inconspicuous places and the usual blob of Bazooka Joe bubble gum stuck under the seat.  There was the generic clock on the wall behind the teacher that almost seemed to be placed there to torture the children and of course the cross on the wall with poor old Jesus nailed to the wood.

The culture at this school could be very brutal.  In later life, I’ve often wondered if the nuns had such a nasty disposition as a result of a lifetime of no intercourse, not even the occasional oral pleasure amongst each other.  I also wondered if the priests seemed more relaxed and happy because they had the altar boys to play with.  If a student did something wrong at St. Mary’s, the consequences could be rough.  I’d often find myself being pulled about the room by my side burn while the nun lectured me.  There were also whacks on the knuckles with a ruler and the occasional spankings.   Of course, we were all damned to hell and if we didn’t follow the nun’s wishes, God would punish us horribly.  As a child, I always thought of God as the nun’s personal enforcer.  It’s a thought that’s stuck with me to this day, only it’s much more refined, broad and researched.  


“Of all religions, the Christian should of course inspire the most tolerance, but until now Christians have been the most intolerant of all men” – Voltaire. “I was raised Catholic until I was old enough to say no” – John Cusack

To complete the picture of the above paragraphs, I need to tell a short story about one school morning.  I must have been no more than eight or nine years old.  I’d gotten ready for school, despite trying everything I could to stay home; the sick routine, too tired and need a break, I think it’s a no school day, I love you so much grandma – just want to spend the day with you, etc.  Just before it was time to walk to school, I felt that there was just no way that I could go.  I didn’t understand what was going on at the time inside my mind and body but now know it was depression and anxiety.  I decided that I was going to jump off the roof so that I could break a bone and not have to go to school.  This wasn’t a fantasy or an “I’m going to show you”.  This was a very real decision by a very confused and scared child.  Looking back, I’d rather jump off a roof and damage my body than leave the safety of my grandparents’ home and go to school for the day; something was very wrong.  Just as I started to climb up the roof to jump, my beautiful grandmother came out, looked at me inquisitively and said that it was time to go.  It took me over 30 years to understand this day.  

Looking back at myself, I feel pretty damn sorry for that kid.

One of my very original memories of St. Mary’s was the day I met John Alonzo.  I was sitting in one of the first classes, the first day of school.  I could feel somebody staring at me from behind.  When I turned around, there was a Native American kid with intense green eyes, Laguna Indian to be exact.  He was staring at me with a wonderfully mischievous look, more accurately, a “shit eating grin”.  We were thick as thieves from that day on.  Shortly after that, three Mexican kids by the names of Donny and Ronny Gutierrez (brothers) and Adam Chavez joined the gang.  We did almost everything together for many years to come and it was fun.
 

There was a very cute girl at our school by the name of Lesley Gallegos; we all had a crush on her.  Lesley had great hair and a great smile and I had an especially great crush on her.  I decided that I wanted to marry her and of course, my friends egged me on.  I went to the local TG&Y at the corner of Central Avenue and Rio Grande Boulevard with my grandmother to buy Lesley a necklace for our pending engagement.  I didn’t know to marry you were supposed to have a ring and my grandmother didn’t coach me, she just went along as I’m sure the scene was pretty damn cute.  Then the next day, with my four friends watching and giving me little pushes, I did the deed.  I asked the glorious Lesley Gallegos to marry me!  The magnificent Lesley Gallegos gave me a smile to die for, gently took the necklace and looked at it with adoration.  Slowly she took her gaze from the necklace and deeply looked into my eyes with such love and kindness that I felt an army of butterflies in my body.  Lesley then said to me through her beautiful red lips in her young angelic voice… “No”.  Lesley got up with the necklace in hand and ran off with her friends.  She left me sitting in the playground not knowing what just happened, nor what to do.

Now to make matters worse, Lesley had a friend who followed her around quite a bit.  This friend, I’m sure, grew up to be a hairy, Harley riding, butch man hating bull dyke professional wrestler.  After Lesley walked away with my .99 cent TG&Y imitation gold necklace, I got up to walk over to my friends who were already giggling at the scene.  The next thing I know, the hairy, Harley riding, butch man hating bull dyke professional wrestler girl walked up to me and said “she doesn’t like you”!  She then proceeded to kick me in the testicles so hard that to this day I still believe that she split my left ball in two.

On the spot, I projectile vomited all over the hairy, Harley riding, butch man hating bull dyke professional wrestler’s pants.  She ran away screaming and I was down for the count, gazing up at the St. Mary’s steeple with the world spinning around me.  I could hear my friends mercilessly howling with laughter in the background.  When I was able to get up, it seemed that the entire school was standing in a circle around me gawking at the boy who just had his gonads assaulted.  And yes, my friends were not only still howling with laughter but the jackasses were now reenacting the scene for everybody’s pleasure.

I never, ever, ever asked Lesley Gallegos to marry me again.  Didn’t even ask her out when we were attending high school together.  To this day, every time I see Lesley Gallegos, my left “balls” throb as if I were an old man whose joints were hurting from an oncoming storm. 

One our favorite pastimes was to seriously fuck with people.  The five of us had a way to taking it to new levels.  At St. Mary’s, we had some pretty horrible food.  I think that’s why they gave us all the milk we could drink.  The milk came in small red containers and was placed at the end of the food line.  John came up with the brilliant idea of sneaking a bunch of the milk containers out of the cafeteria.  Then, we’d take the containers home and put them somewhere, well hidden, in our yards.  We’d leave them there for at least a week, then sneak them back to school.  At lunch, we’d put the rotten milk containers back in the cooler but would be sure to place them in the very back so nobody would drink them that day and they’d be nice and cold the next.  On that day after when the lumpy milk was cold and in front of the cooler, we’d rarely be able to eat.  The five of us would be sitting in the expensive seats so that we had a clear view of the entire cafeteria.  Whenever some poor innocent kid would take a huge gulp of thick rotten milk, we’d tremble with laughter.  There was always snot blowing from our nostrils and tears flowing down our cheeks.  I can remember Adam falling out of his seat laughing when one of the kids began to vomit all over his tray.  I don’t know how but we never got caught doing this.  I’m sure the milk company, whom by the way my great grandfather was one of the founders of, got an earful from those nasty uptight – under sexed nuns!!!

I’m just now realizing that some of the most brilliant ideas that got us in terrible trouble came from John.  Early on at St. Mary’s, he somehow talked two of our female classmates into getting into one of the huge tractor tires in the playground.  He then convinced them to lift their skirts, drop their panties and show us their lovelies.  I think it was the first time in my life that I’d felt that special tingly feeling down below as my little friend popped to attention.  I’d entered the world of vaginas!   Anyway, as I sat there in awe at the wonderful sights in front of me, I was shocked into reality as a stream of hot liquid hit me in the side of the head.  There was goddamn John, with his pecker out and in hand, hosing all of us down with urine!  The little bastard became so aroused that he peed on us!  I’m sure that being so young and seeing those little girls’ hoo-has, he became instantly aroused but had no idea what to do.  So my damn friend just started peeing on everybody in his excitement.

Well, it was tough as hell to get out of that tire.  The girls and I were pushing, shoving and scratching our way out of there while John giggled as he squirted the last shots of pee on us.  Unfortunately for all of us, one of those nasty old nuns saw the ruckus as we scrambled out of the tractor tire.  When she came running over, she could see that we (me and the two girls) were all wet, and then she smelled the urine. I think that was my first time ever in detention.  It was a bad detention.  I had to sit after school as my grandfather waited outside in the car, watching the pruned face of an old nun as she glared at me and the three others.  To make matters worse, as I sat in the hard wooden seat, reeking of John’s urine, I was still feeling the butterflies in my stomach from what I’d seen in that tractor tire.

Almost every day, I’d walk home with Donny, Ronny, Adam and John.  Those four lived to the north of St. Mary’s in a barrio called “Wells Park”.  Wells Park was and still is a gang territory and predominantly Hispanic neighborhood.  I lived to the west in the Albuquerque Country Club neighborhood which had no gangs, other than frequent groups of golfers roaming the streets. I’d walk home with my friends because I enjoyed them.  I enjoyed the culture and the freedom.  And of course we had a lot of fun.  Usually being the only white kid in the group, I often found myself in some precarious situations but I’ll save that for a later chapter.  We’d always walk by my grandfather’s office which was located half way to John’s house.  It became a wonderful ritual to knock on his window.   No matter what he was doing, he’d come to the window and wave to us.  We’d then be off some sort of adventure. 

Before our teens, our adventures were usually pretty innocent.  We’d listen to lots of Monty Python and Cheech & Chong on vinyl and do our best to memorize the skits. We became masters at the art of firecracker making and marksmen with our slingshots. John came up with the idea of making a gross mixture of eggs, flour, dog-food and jelly.  We’d then mix it and roll it into a wet paper towel and form it into a ball. We’d go out after dark and throw the goo balls at passing cars and hope they’d chase us.  If we were lucky, we’d hear a loud thud/splat, then tires screeching and lots of cursing.  Now and then, after we’d throw our ordinance, we’d realize that our target was a cop car or worse, a lowrider!  This generated the most terror and fun imaginable as the police officer or Chicano chased us through the neighborhood.  It was our neighborhood; we knew it well and never got caught.

One afternoon, we came up with the idea of bottling farts.  One of us would hold a jar and its cap while another would drop his drawers and fart in the bottle.  It was very important to quickly cap the bottle after the last bit of fart was squeezed out.  Now and then, somebody would push a bit too hard and some unwanted results would shoot out.  Of course we’d laugh like Hyenas.  We’d then hit the neighborhood to find some unsuspecting victim to sniff our home made cologne. 

We loved to have sleepovers.  Back then, there was no internet, cable TV, XM stereo or cell phones.  After midnight all the TV channels would go off the air.  We had to be creative to entertain ourselves.  One night the entertainment scheduled was competition fart lighting.  We were all pretty good at it if I do say so myself!  Deep into the competition, there were 5 boys in their fruit of the loom underwear, taking turns dropping on their backs, lifting their knees to their shoulders, placing a match to the general area of the butthole and letting it rip.  The key was to only let a small amount of fart out at a time.  This way you’d produce a large and long lasting flame.  Well, John won the competition hands down.  He shot a massive flame out of his ass, it was impressive, and we all cheered and whistled.  Then the mayhem began.  During Johns’ gold medal performance, he actually lit his underwear on fire.  We all started laughing hysterically.  Unfortunately for John, he thought we were laughing at the fart he’d just let when we were laughing at the flame that had already spread from his anus to his upper testicles.  Johns’ anal region was already hot from the fart he’d lit so he didn’t immediately notice the heat from the underwear fire.  The fire had created a hole in his underwear as it spread and just about the time one of his balls fell out of the opening, John realized what was happening.  I’m not sure if I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life at the scene of John flopping around the floor like a fish out of water while smoke and sparks came from his behind.  It’s a sight that I’ll never forget.

911 @ Freeway Liquors - Albuquerque, New Mexico

When my blood father and pregnant step mother were killed in 1982, something unexpected happened.  A guy by the name of Eric Corbet showed up on my doorstep the day after their deaths. I'd never met Eric before, we went to the same school but he was many years ahead of me.

Eric introduced himself to my grandmother and me and told everybody that he thought I could use a friend right now.  He then asked if he could take me for a drive.  When we jumped in his car, he pulled out a six pack of Löwenbräu and told me that he thought I could use a beer.  Eric and I became best friends on that day. 

In 1985, Eric landed a job at the “Freeway Liquors”.  This is one of those places where you can buy liquor for your drive while you gas up your car.  Eric was on the night shift, he worked the cash register.

One night, Eric called me up and told me to come by and have a few drinks.  They had some expired liquor that he was told to throw out and thought I’d like some.  When I arrived, Eric wasn’t too busy so I stuck around and visited with him.  It was a lot of fun; I was there for a couple of hours.  Just before I decided to go, I went into the bathroom to take a leak.  As I was going into the bathroom, a customer was coming out.  I thought nothing of it.  I was in the bathroom for about a minute.  When I came out, the customer was positioned directly in-between Eric and me.  He had a pistol in his hand and it was pointed at Eric.

I seriously startled the robber.  I don’t think he saw me when I walked into the bathroom so he thought that part of the store was empty.  When he saw Eric take his gaze off of the gun and onto me, the robber spun around, yelled some sort of profanity, aimed the gun at my head and fired.

When I saw the robber whip around, all I could think of was to hit the ground.  I think this is what came to mind because in all the movies, books and stories about robberies, everybody is told to “hit the ground”. That is for the exception of Pulp Fiction where they say “Everybody be cool this is a robbery! Any of you fuckin' bitch move and I'll execute every mother fucking last one of you!”. 

Well, just as the robber aimed the gun at my head and shot, I dropped to the floor.  The bullet missed my head by a hair; literally.  I could feel and hear the bullet zip by my left temple and bits of the gunpowder residue peppered my face.  Because of the timing and the shot, the robber thought he had hit his mark and that I was dead. Unfortunately, so did Eric.

As I lay on the floor, face down, I could hear Eric screaming my name over and over.  He then started to tell the robber to take everything and get out!  I heard Eric say “no, no, no, no”, I waited to hear the shot.  Then everything got quiet.

I was still face down on the floor.  I could hear somebody come over to me.  I was sure it was the robber coming back to make sure I was dead.  Next thing I know, Eric is turning me over.  He had a wild look in his eyes and tears were flowing down his cheeks.  He thought I was dead.  When he turned me over and saw that I was alive and looking at him, he frantically started looking for the bullet hole.  When none was found, my good friend Eric gave me a huge, long and much needed hug.

We were kept at the liquor store until sunrise.  We had to give statements, again and again, sketch artist drew the gunman’s portrait and forensics came to look for evidence.  Just before I was allowed to go, one of the officers said “I found it”!  He had found the bullet that was meant for my forehead.  Then to my surprise, he started laughing.  He called me and the others over.  The bullet had found an unlikely target, a worm in a Mescal bottle.  The damn robber had literally shot the tequila worm in two. 

The office looked at me and said “What in the hell were the odds of this?!”.

Eric was a wonderful man, extremely kind and gentle.  He had some physical and mild mental issues.  I don’t know what he was officially diagnosed with and I never asked him.  He looked a bit like he possibly had extremely mild downs or some other neurological disorder.  Eric died in the mid 90’s of phenomena, I was one of the last people he talked to. During our final conversation, Eric didn’t tell me he was sick.  He only told me that he really wanted to get together and missed me.  He died the next day.

Booze, Guns, Vietnam Vet and Mayhem in Mexico Part 1.

After high school, I rented an absolute dump on the west mesa of Albuquerque with two friends.  This shack was smack in the middle of some serious gang-ville and we were the only gringos stupid enough to live there.

One night, I was drinking with two good friends, Ray and Damon.  Ray decided that he wanted to go up to the mountains to shoot guns.  Being young and drunk, we agreed that it was a great idea.  We started loading up Ray's old turquoise Ford Bronco with booze and guns.  Just as we were getting ready to leave, my next door neighbor, who I'd never met came out and asked us what we were doing.  He was an old guy with scraggly long white hair and a beard that covered almost his entire face down to his chest.  We told him what we were up to and he quickly invited himself along.  The old guy ran into his house, grabbed a 357 magnum, gallon of vodka then jumped in the front seat of Ray's Bronco to join our late night adventure.

As we got onto the highway, the old guy started telling us about himself.  He was a decorated Vietnam Vet who was on lifetime disability from injuries he received in the war.  I could see some of the damage to his face that he'd received when a phosphorous grenade exploded next to his head while he was in a tunnel chasing Vietcong soldiers.  His stories were amazing and absolutely terrifying, it was a miracle he was alive.  

All went well on the drive to the mountain, that is until we came onto a portion of highway in Albuquerque called "the Big I".  The old guy started asking us why we were going shooting in the mountains.  At first, I didn't understand why he was asking this because we'd already told him, he was in the truck, with his weapon.  Then things went horrifically wrong.

In order to correctly convey the entire picture of what was happening, I have to go back to less than a year earlier.  My old friend Ray, who was driving the vehicle and sitting right next to the old guy, had been shot several times in a robbery.  He was working at a convenience store at night when 2 robbers came into the store and robbed him at gunpoint.  After Ray gave them everything they wanted, they made him lie on the floor where they commenced to shoot him multiple times.  Ray was shot in the back, hand and face.  He survived but was still nursing his injuries the night we took to the road for some target shooting in the mountains.

As I said above, we reached the Big I and things went horrifically wrong.  The old man started repeating over and over, “why we were going shooting in the mountains”.  He then hit a high octave as he was saying "you mother-fuckers aren't going to kill me".  Next thing I knew, he had pulled out his 357 magnum and put it in my face.  I was stunned.  It was not the first time I'd had a gun pointed at me and I'd already been shot at several times.  But this was bad, seriously bad.  We were barreling down the highway at 90 miles per hour, crammed in a small Ford Bronco, with an armed man who we now knew was very very sick in the head.  

I was frozen with terror.  It's a feeling that's really hard to describe to somebody who's not experienced it.  I believe it's like the stories you hear from solders who've been in close proximity battles and had to kill others.  I could hear Ray, almost as a distant faint voice, begging for my life.  His voice sounded hysterical and almost resigned to what was about to happen to me.  I couldn't look away from the old man's face, not because it was an inch above the pistols barrel or because the barrel was pushed against my face. It also wasn't because of some horseshit Hollywood machismo nonsense.  It was because in moment, I felt that my only hope was to connect with this guy in some way.  Everything got really quiet as i watched him put his finger on the trigger.  I could see his knuckle whiten as he started to pull the trigger.  In reality, things were not quiet.  I could see Ray's mouth moving, pleading with him.  I could see Damien doing the best he could as well.  Then he removed his finger from the trigger.  Everybody stopped talking.  I was hoping that this ordeal was over, but I was very wrong.

The old man began his crazy talk again but this time, he focused his rage on Ray.  He shoved his pistol deep into Ray's temple, and then cocked the gun.  Now I found that Ray and I had switched places, he on the verge of a horrible death and me pleading for his life.  As I was saying every word that came to mind to calm the situation down, all I could think about was how sorry I felt for Ray.  He'd already experienced the horror of being shot less than a year before.  He knew the confusion, terror and pain of such a violent event.  For the rest of my life, I'll never forget the look on his face and how his body reacted to the gun cocking; it was surreal.  

I started trying to convince the old guy to let Ray stop the car and let him out; nobody needed to be hurt.  I told him that we didn't want to hurt anybody and we should all just go home.  I know much more was said but it's really a blur.  You have to remember, this all happened in less than a minutes time, plus or minus, but it felt like hours.  There were tears, everybody was sweating.  I remember saliva flying from Ray's mouth as he pleaded for my life.  I also remember smelling urine, I don't remember if it was mine, Damon or Ray's.  Then, all of a sudden, with the gun cocked and now pushed into Ray's right cheek, so hard that Ray could not close his mouth, the old guy instructed Ray to pull over.  Looking back, I should have felt some sort of relief but there was none.  My first thought was how quickly could Ray slow down the old Ford going at 90 miles per hour before the old guy changed his mind.  Then I began to realize that he was telling Ray to pull over because he couldn't shoot any of us while the vehicle was moving without risking his own life.  This revelation was almost as terrifying as his putting a gun against my face.

I was spot on with my fear; he did intend to get the car stopped then shoot us.  Almost the moment the old guy told Ray to pull over, Ray had hit the brakes as hard as he could.  We were in the fast lane so Ray had to merge across 2 other lanes to get to the side of the road.  He did this so fast and with so much velocity that he almost rolled his vehicle.  Ray jumped the truck over the curb and onto the embankment and slid sideways to a stop.  The old guy opened his door and as he was getting out of the vehicle, he started to turn back towards us, cocking the gun as he raised it to shoot us.  Luckily, Ray popped the clutch and floored the gas.  The jerk was enough to pull the old guy off balance because his free hand was holding the door handle still.  I can't say how many times the old guy shot at us as we sped away but we were very lucky that he didn’t hit one of us.  As ray sped away, he violently pulled back onto the interstate highway.  He caused numerous vehicles to slam on their brakes and swerve to miss is.  I believe this is part of the reason the old guy didn't get the chance to get off a couple accurate shots.  He was first distracted by Ray jerking him off balance, then distracted by the numerous vehicles swerving, honking and screeching on the highway right next to him.

We got away unharmed.  We literally got a second chance at life.  Ray drove about a mile up the road before he pulled over.  We all got out and sat down on the ground.  It was all I could do to keep from vomiting as we sat there.  I remember looking at Ray and seeing his hands tremble as he smoked a cigarette.  I was again thinking about how horrible this must have been for him being the second time in a year that he almost lost his life to a gun.  Damon sat with his hands in his head saying “fuck, fuck, fuck” over and over.  It was a nightmare that I hoped to never re-live again in my life.  As fate would have it, our journey had just begun and we’d see more violence in the days to come.  

Ray is alive and well and has not been shot at, gun pointed at or threatened by somebody with a gun since 1987.  He has enjoyed a very successful career in the avionics industry and remains one of my oldest and dearest friends to this day.

Damon was killed in a tragic auto accident not long after this story took place.  The accident was more than 10 miles east of the spot where we dropped off the old guy, on the very same highway.  I think of Damon often and still miss him very much.