Friday, April 9, 2010

My Insane Family - The Special Dinner

My uncle Tommy, uncle Timo and a friend by the name of Steve all went on a hunting trip to the mountains of southern New Mexico. They took an old truck that only allowed for 2 people in the front, so their friend Steve had to ride in the back of the truck. 

When they arrived to their camp site, my uncle Tommy realized that his friend Steve had eaten the vast majority of their food during the drive. There were no towns nearby and nightfall was coming soon.  My uncle Tommy and Timo were furious. Timo had to forcibly keep Tommy from physically assaulting their friend Steve.  When things calmed down, my uncle Tommy told his longtime friend Steve to go off with Timo and hunt for some turkeys before it got dark. Uncle Tommy said that this would give him some time to cool off. Timo and Steve left while Tommy set forth to his plans of retribution. 

My uncle Tommy gathered the food that remained and put together a dinner for everybody. The only difference is that the dinner he prepared for his friend Steve was just a bit different. Tommy took a small baguette, cut it down the middle. He then dropped his pants and carefully took a shit within the bread as if it were a sumptuous bratwurst. Once he had completed the mission, uncle Tommy then placed mustard, Sauerkraut and onions on the top of Steve's dinner to hide the true occupant of the baguette.  He then garnished the plate with vegetables and cheese. 

Steve and uncle Timo arrived back at camp. Tommy had a warm fire going, camp completely set up and a big dinner ready for everybody. Tommy gave Timo his dinner, then Steve. As he handed his old friend Steve his plate, Tommy told him "Steve, I over-reacted to you eating all the food. I'm sorry and I hope this dinner makes up any stress I caused you".  Steve told uncle Tommy he accepted his apology and proceeded to begin dinner. As Steve was garnishing his dinner with salt and pepper, he was advising Tommy that he should control his temper, be more accepting of other people and if Steve wanted to eat all their food, he should let him. As he completed this sentence, Steve took a man's size bite of Tommy's Pièce de résistance. 

I don't think Steve's life, or palate, was ever the same after this legendary bite. It was a greedily taken bite that only the most unrefined, hungriest of men would take. To describe the look on Steve's face is difficult.  It only took several good chews for Steve to realize that there was something terribly wrong.  Steve's face went from the look a deer gives when it's caught in a headlight to utter confusion and slowly to a horribly painful grimace.  It was a look of somebody in terrible pain while crazily smiling.  To add to this portrait, there was a pungent sickly odor wafting throughout the mountain air and what could have been confused with pâté encroaching out of the corners of Steve's mouth.  The more Steve grimaced, the more his spittle covered lips stretched and the fecal material pushed through his teeth like toothpaste out of its tube.

Life is calmer now, Steve is alive, sane and a successful businessman in New Mexico.  My uncle Tommy has not served a special meal since; that I know of.  

This bizarre bit of pandemonium was such a commonplace in my life that to me, it was normal.  It was not until my late 30's that I began to realize that our sense of humor was not only incredibly rare but evoked fear in those around us.  In a way, that worked well in my life but I do feel sorry for some who have nervously waited for me to focus my odd humor on them.